“Do you know the old story about the Sun and the North Wind having a bet about which one of them could get some guy to take his coat off? Well, the North Wind had a go and blew his hardest, but the guy just clung to his coat with all his strength. But all the Sun had to do was shine and the guy took off his coat because he was too hot. Truly ‘cool’ people shine a kind of calm control that everyone else secretly wants, and so they find it attractive..”
“The Art of Being Cool and Attractive,” is a social skills method designed to help develop an approach to others that will attract the right amount of the right kind of positive attention.
It is an exerpt from an article in our Journal archive that I thought deserved a little more attention.
The ‘art’ is contained in ten laws. How well do you follow them?
1. Learn to do with less attention than you would like at the moment
2. Do not compete with other people for attention
3. Say less than is necessary
4. Learn to behave well from those who don’t know how to
5. Do not ‘freeload’ or overstay your welcome
6. Never whine
7. Appear unhurried
8. Be different — but not too different
9. Appear not to want things you cannot have
10. Exercise courtesy and tact at all times.
Creating ‘cool’
Chris Dyas is a Human Givens Therapist working for a children’s charity which provides help for children who have suffered severe abuse. He introduces the Art of Being Cool and Attractive to the young people he works with in order to help them get their emotional needs met in healthy ways. He has been applying the human givens approach to his work for the past six years.
“Andy placed a lot of importance upon being ‘cool’. He liked my idea that he might become the coolest member of his group, because, if he were the coolest, he would not feel the need to be ‘led’ anywhere — instead he would be doing the leading and his mates would want to follow.
“Have you noticed that the coolest people do not seem to have to put any effort into it?” I asked. “Yeah, it’s like people just want to be with them,” agreed Andy. “I think this is because there is a big difference between attracting attention and seeking attention.” I said.”
You can read more about attention and why it’s so important in this post: A human given: the need to give and receive balanced attention
And you can read the whole of Chris’s article in our archive, where he describes how he teaches troubled children how to hold their own among their peers in a healthy way: “It’s what right with you that fixes what’s wrong.”
(This article was also published in the book, An Idea in Practice: using the human givens approach)
Posted by: Eleanor
86 responses so far ↓
1 Joy // Jul 6, 2007 at 4:40 pm
I think I’m able to combine both blogs concerning being cool and choice by mentioning Apple Inc. They manage to maintain their ‘cool’ aura by offering less choice of products and understated advertising.
Love the blog - makes me think about current topics and society in general.
2 Eleanor // Jul 16, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Yes you are right, Apple have done that very well!
3 tyler // Sep 4, 2007 at 12:21 am
this is exactly what i was looking for
4 A human given: the need to give and receive balanced attention // Sep 5, 2007 at 5:23 pm
[…] attention than found in Western psychology until now. Read another popular post on this blog “The Art of Being Cool and Attractive” for hints as to how to use this information on balancing attention to be […]
5 Michael // Sep 8, 2007 at 3:07 pm
This has totally worked out for me.
6 19 cool ml // Oct 19, 2007 at 8:58 pm
thas cooooooooooooooooooool man
7 Harlea // Nov 3, 2007 at 6:56 am
This was a big help I need those rules they helped alot I think I’ll ues them.
8 Nasir // Nov 4, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Those tips were “COOL”,it really works.But not 4 me,i am a born cool.So if u guys have any problem in anywhere just let me know through e-mail.
9 jen // Dec 5, 2007 at 5:07 am
hahahhahaha
10 HaCkEr // Dec 19, 2007 at 10:20 am
wtf im the 1 born ”COOL” so if u need questions ill help…. (stuff NASIR)
11 Jim // Dec 27, 2007 at 5:01 am
While those are helpful observations, being cool also includes skills such as picking up on what is going on and fitting in, reinforcing another’s agenda, using an indirect approach, modulating impulses and emotions, being aware of one’s own image, having influence over peers, understanding the social context of words, tone, body and language and being able to make up for social mistakes.
So being cool involves executive skills that help social insight, modulating ones behavior, facilitate creative fun, assertiveness and, most importantly, not loosing it when stuff happens.
12 Eleanor // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:44 pm
What you’ve said is absolutely true Jim - and could all be added onto the current list, which I think fulfills its purpose as a practical tool for children.
13 travis // Jan 17, 2008 at 3:51 pm
i am so not cool i hope these help me a lot. i don’t even have one friend
someone please like me !!!!
14 fred // Jan 23, 2008 at 11:11 pm
holy fucking shit thats awsome
15 the real deal // Jan 26, 2008 at 3:14 am
i think this whole list is good except for number three, you want to be cool but you dont want to be tool cool until you are just silent and boring
16 era // Jan 29, 2008 at 7:24 am
true say.
attention whores are the most annoying of all.
this, i believe, is an excellent way of concealing the effort to gain popularity…while, at the same time, getting people to naturally like you.
17 jordan // Feb 1, 2008 at 5:54 am
i nid more tips to be attractive
18 Damon // Feb 10, 2008 at 5:25 pm
These are great guidelines. But be careful if you try to change all at once you might end in failure. Take it slow and don’t give up.
19 I Love Lucy // Feb 22, 2008 at 12:39 am
I may be twelve, but even i know this wont make me cool.
20 oscar // Feb 26, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I’ve got a motor dirt bike wil that help me be cool
21 shaqiem // Mar 5, 2008 at 7:27 pm
its ite
22 DareDevil // Mar 18, 2008 at 8:21 am
Cool?! Hmm.. It’s something you can’t learn it yet need to mix around more so that you’ll be able to pick & match characters from all sorts of people you’ve mixed with… *or so that’s what i think hahaha*
23 V3N0M // Mar 18, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Too much friends is not good too, u create people who really wanna be like u and then it becomes a ICON with shit loads of responsibly
24 jamal // Apr 4, 2008 at 2:54 am
thank you for teaching me how to be cool and your cool to.
25 jyo // Apr 15, 2008 at 10:02 am
hi guys
thanks for giving tips making many friends is not good and it makes many headack love those how really love u.
26 ken // Apr 16, 2008 at 9:39 pm
yo bn cool isnt about ne of this shit…the coolest thing of all to ne one male or female is being urself and aware of other ppl not just urself and being confident @ everything u do dont be concided take everything as it comes if ppl dont think ur cool then dont hang with them find new ppl the more ppl of diffrence u know the larger ur social skills will grow…there is no guide lines to being cool comon what is cool ne ways…chyeah
27 val Gina // May 16, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Yeah if your cool….you dont have to be on this f***** site
28 ambi // May 24, 2008 at 5:37 am
ambi
wl i think ts a cool site .it hlpd mi a lot .am chnged u no. i thnk bng cool mns to stay hapy
al d tme kpping others as wll.do folow d rule of
tit 4 tat bt n ur own style.it ds’nt mean to be sielent al d tme but creting ur own image & a sofisticated strong personality. have a deep
influence over ur group.so sty cool nd haaa…….
…py……***********@cool.com
29 Elizabeth // May 30, 2008 at 7:47 am
All of yall who say you are cool, are just lying to yourselves. If you are sooo cool, than why are on a website titled; “How to be cool and attractive”? I for one, think it’s great to be on this website, but don’t get cocky because it’s not fair to those of us who are trying to fit in.Plus, how stupid is it to call YOURSELF cool? What the heck?! That’s just pitty self-confidence. I’m on this website for a reason; I’m not cool. I can admit that too. I mean, I’m not totally unpopular, but I could use atleast a little attention. For those of you that are on this website for a good reason, thank you. You show me that I’m not alone. Maybe someday all of us “nerds” will kick these popular stereo-type’s butts!
30 Prabin // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Sleep inside refrigerator for whole night.
31 Prabin // Jun 5, 2008 at 7:31 pm
More you act cool, more you look fool.
32 Weasel // Jun 11, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Ummm, I think being cool is just being confident, but humble. If you took a bunch of cool people and compared them, the most comon attributes would be kindness, and confidence. This means not being afraid to be who you are, and not making fun of who other people are. It’s this strength and fearlessness that is most attractive to others.
33 karthik // Jul 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Ya i also think its cool site just let me also check out whether it works or no
but the thing given are true so my thinking is
BE Cool not so cool so that others will
not take u as cool
ok until nxt time bye n be cool……..!
34 bob // Jul 3, 2008 at 1:27 am
I think that being cool is just being yourself and not trying to act a different way. trying to be different may just get you the wrong people for friends while being yourself gets you people that like you for who you are!!
35 bob // Jul 3, 2008 at 1:28 am
please give reply on opinion of last comment:)
36 bob // Jul 3, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I think that my brother will not want to be to close to the fireworks and will ruin it for me, my dad, and my friend Henry!!
37 FARISHA MOHAMMED // Jul 30, 2008 at 3:20 pm
what is some more tips on how to be more kind , cool , and attractive so that people will like you. thank you for all your help.
38 josh // Aug 15, 2008 at 12:48 am
see ‘chris’ from the fil ’stand by me’ he follows yours rules perfect!
39 iloveher:) // Sep 22, 2008 at 1:37 pm
sup people…im not that cool hehe thats why im in this site and im kinda bored too..so yeah..
i think to be cool is be yourself,never to take risk anything,take it slow,never let anyone you down(except if its your girl)weeeeheeeeeeee..and just be coool,,laugh laugh and just smile…
40 dont click this., // Sep 22, 2008 at 1:40 pm
always be calm,friendly,funny,and just give ur opinions..
41 DaYnA (: // Sep 27, 2008 at 2:33 am
ok I’m popular I won’t lie.. And I’m on this
Site! No biggie I’m just bored as hell.
Look, be yourself and if people can’t accept
You then they’re really missing out on something
Great!! And fuck what other people think.
And be as friendly as possible! Be involved in alottt of activities in school like sports and stuff
stay safe and be careful love love; Dayna
You’ll meet so many great people that you might
Have though were preppy bitches or jocks when really they are actually pretty cool! Hope I helped
42 Jimi // Sep 30, 2008 at 4:30 am
At other poster: Apple is nones the cool.
Apple has a wreak that is a deadly (and not the good kind of deadly) combo of effort and smugness.
Some corporation trying to shove products down my throat isn’t cool, way to be brainwashed tho. Nothing is cooler than a guy who can be convinced of anything by some crappy marketing.
43 johnee // Oct 31, 2008 at 6:06 am
Elizabeth, I think your missing the grand point of this deal. We have the outter layer, what is known as a mask, what we show to the outside world. Then we have what is the inside world, where people know us and what were about.
People don’t realize that they have the choice to pick their outside attitude, or “role”. Also mainly, being cool doesn’t mean your a shallow, and especially “popular” jerk. Sounds to me like you relived some highschool years on that one.
Anyone can be “cool and attractive”, just depends on what type of person you are inside that determines what “KIND” of cool person you are on the outside.
One thing this guide or list is missing is, be true to yourself. It is the most important thing, not to be a complete clone. That is what being “cool and attractive” is about. You have not only the “hard to get” attitude, but also the uniqueness that is you.
People love it.
44 hemi joel // Nov 11, 2008 at 9:04 am
goodshit
45 hott-barbie-doll // Nov 14, 2008 at 3:28 am
yu guys r sew weird peeplios
wut ev catch ya l8r
i wuz just joshin
so buy now
lol
46 Ryan // Nov 19, 2008 at 6:40 am
maybe i try 2 hard i duno
47 Ziad Halawani // Nov 19, 2008 at 6:55 pm
i was cool from fourth grade but I went to another school and after one year of friendship with my friends they now admire me.By the way I’m in sixth grade now
48 Chelsea // Jan 7, 2009 at 9:05 pm
i have a huge crush on a guy!!! how do i get his attention?!?!?! HELP!!!
49 Ry // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I hope this works there is this girl in my class that i am really in love with
50 haha // Jan 21, 2009 at 9:12 am
This is hard for me considering my life is based on whining. But hey, most peoples’ are, so what?
51 alansari // Feb 1, 2009 at 12:22 am
thanks for this topic and i wish to learn something maybe to change my life style or my actions.
thanks again
52 Brandon D. // Feb 2, 2009 at 11:15 pm
this was helpful but not if the people you want to be cool around think your an ugly smart person
53 mudia // Mar 12, 2009 at 4:13 pm
i am jusst an ordinary type of person i dont try to beg it or nothing cause i know that i’m fine just the way i am. some times i wonder what it’ll be like to be part of the group sometimes but thats alright u see cause at least i’ve gott friendds true friends that like me just the way i am.
54 Leo // Mar 13, 2009 at 4:05 am
I really like this blog it’s really interesting
55 qays // Apr 2, 2009 at 6:30 pm
i need ur help
56 equelateral trapaziod // Apr 25, 2009 at 7:31 am
thank you guys i love you SOOOOOOOO FUDGEING much hahahahaha i said fudge!!! my granddady is alrgic to fudge
ive made a perticuler percentige of 1 friend with this webnet gift from god
let the pokemon gods behold you with great heroism
ikvland
57 Bartholemuel the third aka my FREINDS call me bart // Apr 25, 2009 at 7:36 am
Hay cocker suckern your a bunch of loser but thanks for helping me i had serous problems like this one time i had exactly 5 friends and now im the coolest guy at the starwars convention you know what they say on pokemon….gota catchem all now imagine that exept i gotta catch all my friends if i ever get any see you later loser nerds ha xantheans
58 Pikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........chew POWER!!!!! // Apr 25, 2009 at 7:51 am
when i read this website i littery dropped my digimon cards striaght to the ground…….AMAZING its like what my mom said that i wasnt really……nevermind….no wait i remembered….. nope….forgeting alot……did i ever tell you about my sister in law… she once said the d word in broad daylight and i was like in the name of naruto silence..!!!!!!before i pull out my blade of wisdom!!! and we had a battle of great mayhem…….my grandaddy fought in the ww2 against the NAZIS!!!!! he still has a scar RIGHT on his belly button.this one time at bandcamp we had maceroni and cheese.did i ever tell you about my first day at school awwww it was great.i made lots of friends.wich reminds me of my sisters 6th birthday party.we had a cow piniata. this one time i was walking and i was walking from home to school and i forgot me lunch at my house. but ididnt relize it until math class so i called my momie and she brought it to school. ppj and a can of peaches. with a caprisun.cherry flavored……….this one time i was shopping for a PAIR OF undergarmets AND found a pack of pokemon carrrrrrrrds and believe it or not i found the great mewtwo in it i feel kinda bad for the kid who acctually bought it and i pray for forgivness eversince but i still have that mewtwo
bye
59 biotoxin388 // Apr 29, 2009 at 2:07 pm
it’s ok i guess it’s true (i’m not so bad off at all)
interact with people but know when to stop.
- biotoxin388
60 RBird // May 7, 2009 at 7:02 pm
c’mon this is so sad people getting advice on how to be cool. Don’t change who you are just believe in yourself as you are and you’ll find who you want to be.
61 andrew tai // May 12, 2009 at 3:10 pm
totally awesome ! click on me to read more about this!!
62 so awsome // Aug 23, 2009 at 4:49 am
i realy like boy stuff, i play wiv the boys at lunch but im just not cool enough. Like, they’ll let me play and stuff but like when we jump of the swings and stuff im hell scared to go far, they tought me to jump off swings and im movin to another school soon so, should i be my anoying self or should i be a tomboy girl, wich is the me. I go silly but im a tomboy at heart. if anyones on here, plz help me
63 so awsome // Aug 23, 2009 at 4:52 am
plz someone help me
ill be on here waitin for an answer from anyone, anyone at all
64 so awsome // Aug 23, 2009 at 4:57 am
plz help me, i have to go to school tomorow
65 gangster1196 // Sep 3, 2009 at 11:13 am
if u wanna be cool go in fights be bad.
66 gangster1196 // Sep 3, 2009 at 11:14 am
always ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
67 ebonygrl // Sep 16, 2009 at 1:31 am
well… the tips are manageable so long as u dont overuse them & try to change at once. be confident & gratefl for who u are. i must admit tho that, smoothing out one or two rough edges isnt entirely a bad idea.
68 Scar // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm
YOOOOOthis website is awseome(did i spell that right)im 12 and im a girl
69 Scar // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:40 pm
yooo any one here man im new on this website and i need a few freinds…………………………………………………. WHATS TAKING YOU SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!! ill be on this website ever no or like……6olock hahahahahaha……BYE!!!!!!
70 Scar // Sep 30, 2009 at 6:28 pm
SEE you tomorow or IN A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
71 Mahmoud DaViD // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:26 am
i think dis article is very helpful 4 thos who wanna b COoOoOol.
buh i don agree wid u about #10
72 Terri // Oct 6, 2009 at 8:09 am
Very clever, good advice in general
73 Scar // Oct 7, 2009 at 6:47 pm
TOMOROW
74 coolpersonhere!!! // Oct 7, 2009 at 8:35 pm
this is a rubbish website. pfft how to be cool?
u gotta act it lol, if ur popular u’ll know…lol!!!
just be urself and if people like you then ur cool!!!
75 coolpersonhere!!! // Oct 7, 2009 at 8:37 pm
man my arm aches..:( i got my bloody injection done yesterday….my muscles ACHE !!!
76 talah // Oct 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm
testing…hope it works LOL
77 talah // Oct 8, 2009 at 7:00 pm
okay it did. now to get to the point.
if you wanna be cool you gotta be able to stand up for yourself, be good at things like sports and be confident and funny so everyone likes you and some might even admire you. dont act like a jerk or a geek and if someone teases you laugh and tease them back…unless they were being REALLY mean and rude to you….then you gotta hit them or be really witty with cusses not swear words cos that’ll just show your pissed. funny but harsh! and try to get everyone on your side so THEY feel bad. And you gotta be nice and NOT a bully. if u were born like a geek and you act like it you’ll probably be a trys too hard person, if ur kinda popular and poeple dont hate you then you gotta be loud and confident so people wont mess with you. Remeber if your a geek then BE YOURSELF unless you can change. if ur a girl or a boy you dont necessarily have to be pretty/cute to be cool. you just havew to be the bubbly sort that gets along woth everyone. OH AND GUYS THAT PLAY THE DRUMS OR ARE IN BANDS ARE SOOO HOT AND CUTE. I LOVE IT!!!! girl tlkin here lmao x. seeeee yoou..x ppepzz
78 teh kewl h4xx0r // Oct 24, 2009 at 7:20 pm
i is teh definition of kewl.
i is so kewl.
i is teh super kewl.
i am so popular, i dont even care. im a guy. and everyone in my school likes me. but i dont give a shit coz im kewl. i am so cool. but you know what suxx0rs… there are no girls in my school… now that sucks… co if there were… id be chased… every single darn day… all of the stuff above is true, cept #10, if u wanna be like me. cept im a bit more than a little different. ppl discover that as they get to know me. oh my god i am super kewl. i love my life. im narcissus. what can i say…
79 Unknown // Oct 29, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Best way to be cool is to be confident but modest. Dont try to show off as people dont like attention seekers. Dont seek attention, let it come to you. Also dont do anything that might embarrass yourself as this will lower the respect others may have for you. Such as dont do things that you arent good at as how bad you are at a certain thing will only earn disrespect from others as they wont want you to be around while they are doing that certain thing. You also shouldnt bad mouth people, unless you have good reason to and dont try too hard to be someones friend because if they dont want to be your friend then you have to accept that in life you cant please everyone so only hang around with people who want to be. And most importantly present yourself well, for example shower daily so you dont smell, dont wear dirty clothes, speak clearly and confidently and if possible say things that are straight to the point and dont need much explaining, as if you talk to much itl draw too much attention to you because as i said earlier people dont like attention seekers and attention seekers dont get the respect they might want. Finally the essence of being cool is not to lose your cool, if faced with a challenging problem, approach it calmly and confidently, if other people bad mouth you just ignore them and dont show how it affects you.
80 tyler // Nov 26, 2009 at 10:53 pm
hi
81 yon // Dec 18, 2009 at 7:35 am
THIS WORKS!!! this really helped me i once was not cool and now im a really cool dude this has changed my life i followed it perfect and now i think im super cool. people easily high five me now when i offer and they never used to high five me so thanks for teaching me to be a real cool dude i like my life now
82 pratosh // Dec 30, 2009 at 2:02 pm
i still dont get it.
83 mikaela // Jan 1, 2010 at 2:21 am
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU this really helps! I’m such a hot and cool girl! this actually works!:)
84 jon // Jan 12, 2010 at 6:33 am
ok for one, if u do all these things people will think you are shy and nerdy..be out going talk to everyone you see, and if they dont talk back keep walking. these rules are stupid. i get all kinds of girls and i dont do half of those things
85 nikki // Jan 20, 2010 at 2:12 am
yo i am kool nd i did not do non of the thing it said some of the thing do da oppitsit drrrr
soooooo fuck it
shorttyz out love u
86 yon // Jan 27, 2010 at 3:47 am
jon ur a faggot u sound like a nerd like i used to be i bet ur secretly a fag u wouldnt get any chicks trust me i know im the king ur just shit. haha and talk to eveyone u see thats the worst idea ive ever herd weirdos do that shit u sound like u hang out at public toilets creepin on everyone u see haha fag im so cool
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